What now?
The original text was written a couple of years ago but I am publishing it, virtually unchanged, now, because it still encapsulates perfectly how I feel about my direction in life. It also gives more meaning to this blog, because it is the next step I am talking about. There were small steps in between then and now, but this one feels serious.
9/28/20252 min read
I remember sitting on my parents bed bawling my eyes out because I felt so unhappy in my life, so unfulfilled and lame and so very very stuck. We talked for hours and my parents tried to figure out what was wrong and suggested things to me like starting a small business which terrified me and made me cry even more. And then my mom asked: do you want a career? And, to my huge surprise, I said yes. Even though until that very precise moment I always thought of myself as the 'artsy independent' type and somehow missed a huge shift inside that made me start craving the stability and clear direction of having a corporate career. Once that answer left my lips I felt so terrified and so STUPID. What do I mean I want a career? I can’t do anything, I don’t have any proper experience, I work a dead end job with no prospects, I graduated from an interesting but not really career relevant field, the only work experience I have is this shoddy admin job, what the fuck am I even on about?
And here I am now a little over 10 years and 5 promotions spread over 3 huge corporations later. I have just bought my second apartment, I am a valued and needed employee and really really good at what I do, working in an area that the version of me crying on the bed all these years ago did not even know existed.
Yet here I am again, close to tears, bored and frustrated by my job, unhappy with my life, wanting something MORE like a goddamn Disney princess. And when I start questioning myself the way my parents questioned me before and ask the question I this time know needs asking, the question being: do you want to write for a living? I nod my head and feel terrified and stupid all over again. What do I mean I want to write for a living? I can’t write that well, I don’t have any serious writing under my belt, I am just a corporate cog, English is not even my native language, I wouldn’t know where to start!
It’s at this point where I get this deja vu feeling about this whole situation. So now I sit here and wonder, how did I do it? How did I go from feeling stupid for even thinking I wanted something that felt absolutely unattainable, borderline impossible, to actually getting what I want and being fairly successful at it? And the answer is…I just did things. I did not have a grand plan or a great vision, I just did what felt right, starting with sending out some CVs and getting out of that dead end job I was stuck in. So that is what I have resolved to do now. Just do what feels right, focus on the next step, on what I can do.
I am less afraid to dream than I was 10 years ago, so I can imagine where I could be if it all goes well, but maybe I just think that I can, maybe I have no idea how great and wonderful my life could get. I chose to live with hope and with big dreams rather than fear and doubt. It will all turn out better than I could imagine if I just get out of my own way and start walking the new path I have chosen, the path that something is drawing me into by my heartstrings. Just walking the path, one step at a time.
Image by Ondrej Polak